The biggest adjustment to life as a temporary single dad is managing time. Pretty quickly it became obvious to me all the little things that my wife did around the house to make life run smoothly. Now before you get the wrong idea, I have been a fairly active contributor to the household routine for several years now. Since Joy has been in the army, I have evolved into the somewhat rare (from what my other guy friends and their wives tell me) husband that can cook, do laundry, clean, and even get up in the middle of the night and give the baby a bottle in the middle of the night when mom is out of town doing military stuff. Although thankfully Peter is beyond the age where that is required any longer, it has now been replaced by Peter randomly waking up in the middle of the night lamenting the four molars that are tearing through his gums, much to his displeasure and mine at 3am. In regards to cooking, I received a complement yesterday as I sat down to eat some leftovers for lunch. Another teacher, who looked at his own lunch and then a little longingly at my leftover t-bone, baked potato and steamed vegetables, said, "Man you eat way better than any guy whose wife has been out of town that I know." I don't share those things to brag; rather I simply wanted to give credence to the fact that I was not inept at housework before Joy left.
But back to the main issue, it is time. My wife has had to leave for a couple weeks here and there but then it was easy to just think to myself well just a few more days and she'll be back. It's a whole different league thinking, "well only about 350 more days to go..." Even when Joy first joined the army and was gone for the better part of nine months, we only had Aaron at the time and I was staying with my in-laws for those months so I had a lot of help. Therefore this is really the first time where everything rests on my shoulders. In some ways one would think that there is a freedom in being the sole decision maker. I can do whatever I need to on my own terms. On the other hand, time creeps in and I find that it is all too easy to let the dirty dishes pile up or the clothes hamper fill to overflowing. Now before social services comes knocking at my door, I do keep me house clean and I keep up with everything else. It's just that the temptation to let it slide is great. I have gained a perspective on the dedication that it takes to be a single parent and stay involved in your child's daily life. And part of the secret to my family's sanity and having really clean toilets is paying a cleaning service to come and clean the house really well twice per month. It's the one area that I "cheat" a little on the homemaking. After we tried it about 6 months ago, I could never go back...
The main reason for writing this post is what follows next. All the minor adjustments that I have made in the last couple weeks to prepare for this next year have helped me bring into focus the sheer joy that comes from being a dad to my boys. I have to tell any dads that read this blog that if you haven't taken the time to give your small children a bath, you are missing out on a treasure trove of developmental progress. Peter is 16 months old and in the last week of giving him a bath he has made wonderful progress. He has discovered that when it is time to get out the bath when I start to drain the water that it drains much more slowly if he sticks his knee in to block the drain. In even more shocking developments, he has discovered that instead of fleeing for the opposite end of the tub when I turn on the cold water to wash away the excess bubbles, he can drag out bath time longer by splashing in the icy water from the faucet and shrieking in delight. His development continued with him deciding that there were clearly too many bubbles in the tub. He dutifully began removing bubbles by the handful and putting them in my hand and insisting that I say thank you each time before he hands me more. And lastly, in perhaps the pinnacle of his boyhood development, he began using the cup that I use to rinse his hair and after kneeling in the couple of inches of water in the tub, he fashioned it as a type of codpiece. His clever use for the cup came complete with the quizzical look that he gave me that somehow said, "Dad, now isn't this cool!" So men if you are missing out in this area in your child's life, I highly recommend hopping on the bandwagon and give it a try. If your kids are too old now, offer to baby-sit and borrow someone else's; it is too good to miss.
My older son Aaron continues to excel above his contemporaries in the fourth grade, setting out his job plans for the future. Right now he is running in a three-way tie between astrophysicist, professional golfer, and amusement park owner. He loves to hit golf balls in our back yard, science is his favorite subject besides P.E. and lunch, (his words not mine), and he is testing out his entrepreneurial skills with the business idea he hit me up with last night. He wants to open some sort of house side food stand after school and on the weekends. While it was my initial instinct to tell him how bad of an idea it was, I withheld that thought and explained to him the obstacles involved with handling food and selling it for public consumption. I told him about the dangers of food born illness. I talked to him about writing a business plan and the resources he needed. I thought that perhaps the thought of all the work would discourage him, however he was undeterred. He began working on his business plan complete with a menu, a list of supplies, his current spending money availability, how he might secure a loan from his dad, and he began researching if it is possible for an 8 year old to get a food handlers permit. How exciting it is to help cultivate the creativity in our children.
I am not saying that I would have missed out on these things if my wife was home, but I know for sure that I am a lot more aware of the value of that time that I spend with my boys. The army has a term for men in the military that are away from their families. They call them "geographical bachelors." It almost puts an element of glamour into living apart from their families. For me that doesn't really apply, since I have kids all day at school and then I have my kids all the rest of the time. I want to be able to focus on being the best dad I can be. Maybe that doesn't have the same sort of glamorous appeal as being a temporary bachelor, but I couldn't be happier. All the minor adjustments and inconveniences are worth it!
But back to the main issue, it is time. My wife has had to leave for a couple weeks here and there but then it was easy to just think to myself well just a few more days and she'll be back. It's a whole different league thinking, "well only about 350 more days to go..." Even when Joy first joined the army and was gone for the better part of nine months, we only had Aaron at the time and I was staying with my in-laws for those months so I had a lot of help. Therefore this is really the first time where everything rests on my shoulders. In some ways one would think that there is a freedom in being the sole decision maker. I can do whatever I need to on my own terms. On the other hand, time creeps in and I find that it is all too easy to let the dirty dishes pile up or the clothes hamper fill to overflowing. Now before social services comes knocking at my door, I do keep me house clean and I keep up with everything else. It's just that the temptation to let it slide is great. I have gained a perspective on the dedication that it takes to be a single parent and stay involved in your child's daily life. And part of the secret to my family's sanity and having really clean toilets is paying a cleaning service to come and clean the house really well twice per month. It's the one area that I "cheat" a little on the homemaking. After we tried it about 6 months ago, I could never go back...
The main reason for writing this post is what follows next. All the minor adjustments that I have made in the last couple weeks to prepare for this next year have helped me bring into focus the sheer joy that comes from being a dad to my boys. I have to tell any dads that read this blog that if you haven't taken the time to give your small children a bath, you are missing out on a treasure trove of developmental progress. Peter is 16 months old and in the last week of giving him a bath he has made wonderful progress. He has discovered that when it is time to get out the bath when I start to drain the water that it drains much more slowly if he sticks his knee in to block the drain. In even more shocking developments, he has discovered that instead of fleeing for the opposite end of the tub when I turn on the cold water to wash away the excess bubbles, he can drag out bath time longer by splashing in the icy water from the faucet and shrieking in delight. His development continued with him deciding that there were clearly too many bubbles in the tub. He dutifully began removing bubbles by the handful and putting them in my hand and insisting that I say thank you each time before he hands me more. And lastly, in perhaps the pinnacle of his boyhood development, he began using the cup that I use to rinse his hair and after kneeling in the couple of inches of water in the tub, he fashioned it as a type of codpiece. His clever use for the cup came complete with the quizzical look that he gave me that somehow said, "Dad, now isn't this cool!" So men if you are missing out in this area in your child's life, I highly recommend hopping on the bandwagon and give it a try. If your kids are too old now, offer to baby-sit and borrow someone else's; it is too good to miss.
My older son Aaron continues to excel above his contemporaries in the fourth grade, setting out his job plans for the future. Right now he is running in a three-way tie between astrophysicist, professional golfer, and amusement park owner. He loves to hit golf balls in our back yard, science is his favorite subject besides P.E. and lunch, (his words not mine), and he is testing out his entrepreneurial skills with the business idea he hit me up with last night. He wants to open some sort of house side food stand after school and on the weekends. While it was my initial instinct to tell him how bad of an idea it was, I withheld that thought and explained to him the obstacles involved with handling food and selling it for public consumption. I told him about the dangers of food born illness. I talked to him about writing a business plan and the resources he needed. I thought that perhaps the thought of all the work would discourage him, however he was undeterred. He began working on his business plan complete with a menu, a list of supplies, his current spending money availability, how he might secure a loan from his dad, and he began researching if it is possible for an 8 year old to get a food handlers permit. How exciting it is to help cultivate the creativity in our children.
I am not saying that I would have missed out on these things if my wife was home, but I know for sure that I am a lot more aware of the value of that time that I spend with my boys. The army has a term for men in the military that are away from their families. They call them "geographical bachelors." It almost puts an element of glamour into living apart from their families. For me that doesn't really apply, since I have kids all day at school and then I have my kids all the rest of the time. I want to be able to focus on being the best dad I can be. Maybe that doesn't have the same sort of glamorous appeal as being a temporary bachelor, but I couldn't be happier. All the minor adjustments and inconveniences are worth it!
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